[GRAPHIC of jar] The Department of Commerce announced today that while the gross national product rose slightly in the first quarter of 1999, the grossest national product is still head cheese.
[GRAPHIC of Spuds] Budweiser top dog Spuds McKenzie with girls] is dead at the age of four -- 28 in dog years. McKenzie succumbed this morning to burn injuries he suffered in a bar last night after one of his girlfriends asked for a "lite" and the bartender set him on fire.
[GRAPHIC of map] NBC announced that it is paying ten million dollars for the rights to make a television mini-series based on the Rand McNally Road Atlas and [GRAPHIC of Urich] Travel Guide. Robert Urich will star in the role of Interstate 80 and Cher will appear as Lake Michigan.
A thought to inspire: yesterday was the last day of the beginning of your life.
[GRAPHIC of Bazooka More trouble for Bazooka Joe, Joe wearing eyepatch] star of the long-running Bazooka Joe and his Gang bubble- gum comic, who was indicted today in an insider trading scandal. Joe, who lost his eye to diabetes several years back, is accused of pilfering over 500,000 comics and trying to trade them in for a condominium in Florida.
[GRAPHIC of Trebek Alex Trebek, host of Jeopardy, and CONVY] and Bert Convy, host of Win, Lose, or Draw, finally held their first debate last night in Minneapolis after delays caused by arguments about the rules. Convy had insisted Trebek represent his statements by drawing pictures, while Trebek demanded answers be in question form, please. Convy finally remarked, "I was a friend of a friend of Art Fleming. Mr. Trebek, you're no Art Fleming."
[GRAPHIC of FBI The FBI today released the names seal] of its Ten Least Wanted. Leading or trailing the list was Bobo [GRAPHIC of McNulty] "Sleepy" McNulty of Elko, Nevada, known as the most tiresome man in the West. Do not be on the lookout for McNulty, who is unwanted in 17 states for boring his dog, his mother, and every single barber he's ever met. An FBI spokesman warned, "If you see McNulty on the street, please, do not contact authorities."
[Crowded-looking In television news today, it GRAPHIC of pile of was announced that the three network logos] broadcast networks will merge with the Christian Broadcasting Network and ESPN to form ABCBNBCBSPN, which will kick off with a prime-time show titled, "The Lighter Side of Leave it to Beaver to Murder Growing Pains, She Wrote."